You’re kind, confident, and caring – yet somehow you keep finding yourself in relationships that leave you anxious, maybe at times withdrawn, or even questioning your worth. It’s only natural to feel destabilised in these types of dynamics. Many good people stay in unhealthy relationships longer than they should, and the reasons are surprisingly human. Attachment theory can help explain why even secure-leaning individuals can feel anxious or insecure when their partner is inconsistent, avoidant, or emotionally unavailable.

The Secure-Leaning Tendency

When we are in relationships, it is natural to value empathy, repair, and connection. In attachment theory terms, these are often “secure-leaning” traits, or people who feel safe giving and receiving love. This is an amazing strength! But it can also make you quite vulnerable if you lack boundaries. Even the most confident, kind individuals may begin to overthink interactions, doubt themselves, or emotionally withdraw when their partner consistently behaves in ways that are distant, inconsistent, or hurtful.

The Pitfall

Because you prioritise connection, you may:

• Rationalise early red or yellow flags
• Over-invest emotionally while trying to “help” your partner grow, while they are not meeting you halfway
• Stay longer than is healthy, hoping for repair that may never come

It’s completely natural to experience anxiety, frustration, or self-doubt in these contexts; it’s a human response, not a weakness.

Takeaway Message

Boundaries are so important. Caring about someone is amazing, but that doesn’t mean tolerating behaviour that destabilises you. Learn to recognise unhealthy patterns early and decide consciously whether the relationship supports your growth or drains your energy. A bit of reflection and learning from past patterns will help you spot these dynamics faster!

Reflection Prompt

Have you ever stayed in a relationship hoping to “fix” someone, or noticed yourself becoming more anxious or unhappy despite usually being confident? Take a moment to reflect: what did you learn about yourself, your needs, and your boundaries? Understanding attachment theory can help you see why these patterns can happen and make healthier choices in future relationships.